by I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up D=
Oh, Anxiety! Stop it, you.
There are probably a lot more teens out there who are chilled out. A lot of my classmates, for example, already know where they’re going to go to college, they’re ok with the fact that they’ve somehow contracted senioritis, and are slowly letting go of more and more responsibilities and picking up perks as the school year ends (like one less club to be president of, but now they have their drivers’ licenses). I cannot say that I feel the same. Though a severe lack of motivation has creeped in, I am powerless to act with it.
Now, I’ve been an anxious mess for some time, which I would not advise, because I even developed a temporary rash due to stress. Not good. The main source of my stress is pretty much due to irreversible matters, so I am looking forward to grieving what has happened so far and feeling happy in the near future. We all know that I applied nearly one hundred percent to Drama and Musical theater programs, with the exception of three Ivies.
Officially, I’ve been rejected by Adelphi’s, Boston University’s, Ithaca’s, Rutger’s, and Montclair said they would call for an audition if they liked my application, which hasn’t happened, so I’m guessing that’s a bust too. I’ve got Fordham, NYU, and Carnegie to look forward to as far as art programs, and Harvard, Yale, and Columbia to look forward to to major in some combination of International Relations and Communications or Journalism and minor in Theater (which I could also do at Adelphi or Rutgers or Kean). I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay, which it absolutely is, but my emotions get the better of me…Women, I tell ya.
Let Me ‘Splain.
Now, before anything gets misconstrued, I shall explain what I mean by irreversible, and grieving, and feeling happy in the near future. By irreversible, I mean my four years of high school and how they were spent. Now, obviously, if everything hadn’t happened the way that it did, I would not be the fantabulous human being that I currently am, in thought and word and deed, in life philosophy and creed, etc. But I noticed that this is about the time that us high school students start to question our academic careers.
I, for example, have questioned all of the blood, sweat, and tears that I put into getting first honors every semester, less to please myself and more to please my parents and teachers whilst maintaining my merit based scholarship, with the goals of keeping a good, reliable reputation, and getting into at least two of my top five colleges. To focus more on my grades, I gave up soccer, my first boyfriend (who I was not going to mention at all, but let’s get real – relationships are a natural part of life), student council, choir, and a bunch of other things that I wanted to take up for fun and personal satisfaction but never really had the time to dedicate to (like guitar lessons). Was I happy, or am I happy, at the end of the day?
The answer is no. Besides the fact that AP Spanish and a second year of rotten luck in math (a class where I used to have the highest average) have nearly destroyed my 4.0 GPA, I gave up a lot of what I enjoyed that made the grueling academics worth it. Now that I’m receiving rejection after rejection, I’m wishing I’d spent more time enjoying my high school years and taking dance lessons instead of remaining sedentary for all of those brainwashing hours doing work for advanced courses.
So, Really….
In reality, it would appear that I am not grieving my college rejections. I am grieving the ways in which I chose to spend, or not spend, a lot of my time.
I would not advise anyone else to think in this wholly self-destructive way. Things happen for a reason, and though I am currently frustrated and in pain, I take it as a lesson learned. I know that once this musical is over, once I know where I am going to college, once the fourth quarter is done with, once I graduate – I will feel less and less apprehensive about the future and worry about the bar I set for myself, not ones that others have set for me.
The thing is too, I’m great at living in the present. I laugh and cry and dance and joke around at all of the appropriate or spontaneous moments. When I’m living through something, I’m feeling that something, completely and fully. It is when I’m taking a shower, or lying awake in my bed at night, or even sitting silently in a car as it cruses down the high way, that I think about these things. When I miss my once boyfriend, when I wish I were at a book signing with my friends or at a midnight movie instead of incorrectly computing mathematical graphs, when I can’t visit my grandma on her Saturday off because I’ve got a paper to write…That’s when I think about these things.
I’ve still got two 15page papers to write, one 8page paper and two 5page papers, spring break homework and projects, a musical to memorize, quizzes and tests, finals and AP exams to study for, and a heck of a lot of other stuff that I would get exhausted just typing about before my 28 academic days of school are over.
I absolutely cannot wait.
Countdown’s Begun! (All the good stuff is on this list =)
4 days to Ivy decisions.
6 days to opening night.
8 days to NYU and Fordham decisions.
10 days to Europe trip.
17 days to my 18th birthday.
26 days to Princeton Award Ceremony.
30 days to DC trip.
34 days to Kean Poetry Contest reading.
37 days to Senior retreat.
44 days to AP Exams.
55 days to Student of the Month trip.
58 days to Senior Final Exams.
61 days to Prom.
67 to Senior Awards.
68 to Baccalaureate Mass.
71 days to Graduation.
Taking it one day at a time. Right now: Opening Night.
